Ste's Erotic Novel
by Busman's Holiday
Summary: Silly, crack!fic. Ste discovers Fifty Shades of Grey and gets addicted. Brendan is unimpressed.


_**A/N: Apologies in advance for any inaccuracies when it comes to Fifty Shades of Grey, as I've only skim read parts of it, but I could not resist writing this. It's mad and silly but I hope you enjoy.**_

_**For O&O and Ready.**_

Ste's Erotic Novel

There was no way he could chase after them, not with a panini under the grill. But there it was, a well-thumbed paperback sitting on the coffee table by the window. The same one the girls had been sniggering over, whispering behind their lattes.

From his place behind the counter it looked pretty dull. As far as Ste was concerned, thick books like that, the sort you had to read in school, were only good for propping up a wobbly table. He didn't mind reading the picture books to the kids, especially because when they weren't exciting enough for his tastes, he could make up the ending. Although Leah was getting wise to it and she'd started to complain and make him start from the beginning again. Reading proper "adult" books just reminded him of school and the difficulties he had, how thick the teachers had made him feel and since then he'd avoided it. He hadn't even read the Harry Potter books. He'd wondered what the point was when you could watch the DVD.

The lunchtime rush disappeared and after a quick bit of cleaning, Ste went and had a nose at the book. From the cover it looked pretty boring, like it was guide to business or something, but the women in earlier were raving over it. He flipped it over and began reading the back, tracing his fingers over the words. He took a moment, stumbling over the word entrepreneur, but as he reached the final paragraph, there was a familiarity in its synopsis that made him smile. With his back to the window and checking he wouldn't have to jump up to prepare a baguette within the next five minutes, Ste sat down, put his feet up and began to read _Fifty Shades of Grey_.

Ste huffed his way through the first few pages, waiting to read about the elusive Mr Grey. He wasn't the fastest reader, but he could get through the pages with reasonable speed, although he did wish books had a fast forward button sometimes. He rested the book down for a moment, getting out his phone and taking a look on Wikipedia. He had to see what all the fuss was about.

Erotic novel.

Erotic.

It was a sex book.

Ste read on.

A man's throat cleared.

Ste snapped the book shut. He was tinged pink, but relieved to see Brendan in the doorway and not some unimpressed customer.

"Run off your feet?" he asked, meandering along the counter, helping himself to a few of the day's tasters.

"It's dead in 'ere." Ste said, pushing the book to one side, picking himself up and trying not to act as flustered as he felt. He took the taster board away from Brendan's grip and pressed a kiss to his mouth, heading out to the kitchen. "You want something to eat?"

"No, I came for the conversation," he said dryly. "Gimme one of those fancy ones from the board. None of the green stuff,"

As Ste flitted around putting together the sandwich, he kept one eye on Brendan hovering around the deli. His eyes drifted to the book, hoping Brendan would leave it. Its spine was bent in such a way that it was bound to fall open into his hands at a more…graphic page. Ste watched him shrug off his jacket, the shirt stretch across his broad chest, biceps straining the white fabric. He knew when he was reading about Christian, his head was filled with vivid images of Brendan's body.

He had his feet up on the chair (something he did often and that Ste had asked him so many times not to) when he next spoke.

"Who was da fella in here when I arrived?" he asked, a smile lurking under his moustache.

"What you on about?" Ste said. He licked pesto from his finger; his sandwich making skills were always shaky when he had Brendan style distractions around.

"Had his nose in a book," Brendan said, picking up Fifty Shades in his hand.

Ste tutted, bringing Brendan's food over and wiping his hands on his apron. "Some customers left it,"

Brendan was distracted for a moment, his mouth pre-occupied around his sandwich. He sprayed a little food as he spoke. "You don't read,"

Just as Ste stuttered around for a defence, there was a rustle of designer shopping bags and Mitzeee pushed through the door.

"Ste!" she said, her fingers almost clicking at him. "Look at the amount of bags I've got! I need a coffee with extra zing if I'm ever going to survive an interview with _Pick Me Up_ magazine this afternoon. I did tell you, didn't I? _My Prison Hell_ in the press." She squealed a little, animated by her excitement. Ste glanced to Brendan. They both knew that even a year on, things were still raw for her and this was the way she coped.

"Many times," Brendan said, fingers to the bridge of his nose. His face crumpled with annoyance as she dumped her bags on the sofa and squeezed next to him, giving his knee a little pat in hello.

She plucked the book from Brendan's hand and laughed, throwing her head back. "Oh yeah? Who's reading this muck?!"

Brendan cocked an eyebrow in Ste's direction, surprised. "Steven,"

Ste wanted to die.

"Oh _Steven_!" She cooed, putting on a husky voice. "I didn't have you down as someone who enjoys a bit of erotic fiction!"

Brendan's face played out a flipbook of emotions: from horror to mortification.

"Yeah, well…right I didn't know what it was until I started reading it, did I?!" The colour of his cheeks might have given him away somewhat.

"A dirty book?!" Brendan said, snatching it back from Mitzeee and flicking through the pages. The sandwich was forgotten – the worst sign of all.

Mitzeee rolled her eyes. "Everyone's read it, granddad!" She teased, tweaking his chin. "I've read better, mind. It's just Mills and Boon with whips really, I mean if you want proper filth, I've got some _really good_…" She was directing this at Ste, as though he wanted book recommendations.

"Whips?!"

"You know," she said. Brendan cringed when she winked. "S&M…Esss-and-emm," Even Ste saw the grimace from his position at the coffee maker, watching as Mitzeee spelt it out. She hadn't got the hint even when Ste had handed over her drink (in the take-away polystyrene) and glared at her. She just continued.

"Although, I hear it's done wonders for people's sex lives!" She blew on her double-shot latte, gaze away from Brendan's wide eyes. "Not that you two have any issue in that department. So I've heard." Heard was the operative word. Nosy bitch. She was always fluttering around the club, pressing her ear up to the office door when she was meant to be doing other things.

"It's just a stupid book," Ste said. He took it away, along with Brendan's discarded food and an empty glass and stashed it out the back. Brendan made a quick exit and Mitzeee soon followed, tottering behind him, probably in the hopes of embarrassing him further. Ste slipped the book into his bag.

\x\

He was late cleaning up because he was reading about Christian's playroom. He was late locking up, trying to take in Grey's rules (and he thought Brendan had control issues) and then delayed his journey home, mouth slightly agape as he read the first sex scene. He looked around him when his eyes traced over the word 'come', feeling as though everyone could see what he was up to. He had a little grin to himself, a little chuckle.

Filth.

\x\

Brendan had pushed food to the edge of his plate.

"Sommit wrong?"

Brendan fixed him with a stare. "You've been reading that porn book again,"

"Wha-?!" Ste was all half formed words and pffts, but the red tips of his ears, a flicker of naughtiness in his eyes gave him away.

"It's burnt," Brendan said. He indicated to what Ste now realised was charred remains, on his place. "Burning dinner is my territory. You've never so much burnt a piece of toast all the time I've known you." He smiled then, all teeth, and reached out, stroking Ste's blushed cheek. "S'cute."

"It's well dirty," he said. His laughter turned into a little snort. "Pages of it,"

Brendan shook his head, his eyes rolled, half-lidded. "You not getting enough at home or something?"

He tutted. "Don't be daft." His voice quietened. "Sorta gets me in the mood don't it?"

His eyebrows raised. "Reading about lady bits?"

"Not that!" Ste busied himself clearing up the plate and flinging a supermarket trifle in Brendan's direction.

Brendan left the dessert, pressing up against Ste at the kitchen counter. He kissed the back of his neck, making damp the fine hairs there. "So all this time you're in the mood with your head stuck in a book and you don't think to drop by the club?"

"We're meant to be working,"

Brendan stopped kissing him. "Wanking over a paperback is considered working, is it?"

"I weren't wanking." He sulked. "Just wanted to see what was so great about it. And it's sorta interesting. I like the story."

Brendan erupted in laughter, returning to his trifle. "Yeah and I watch porn for the acting,"

Ste glared, kicking the fridge door shut. He retrieved Fifty Shades from under the sofa cushion and headed to the bedroom. "Yeah well maybe the book's more interesting than you,"

_My inner goddess is pissed off_, Ste thought.

\x\

With one eye, Ste squinted in Brendan's direction and then back to the book. He grinned to himself, tittering. "Popsicle," he said under his breath . "Dirty bitch." He muttered.

Brendan turned the page of the local newspaper, as loudly as it was possible to do so. He flicked his eyes over to Ste, who was lit up from ear to ear.

He sighed. "What is it now? Orgies and gimp masks?"

"Brendan, what's this word?" Ste held up the book in front of Brendan. "A 'me-ren-gue'?"

He peered over at the word and then took the book off Ste. "How the fuck should I know?" His read the sentence aloud, frowning. "What is this shit?"

"It's like, how she feels when she's sucking him off."

"Jesus Christ."

Ste laughed, piercing in Brendan's ear. He snuggled up to him, knees resting over Brendan's thigh. "How do you feel when we're doing it?"

"I feel like if you ask me questions like that, we'll never be 'doing it' ever again."

Ste pouted and then, taking his clues from Ana Steele, bit his lip and looked up at Brendan. When it elicited no response from him, he grabbed for the book, flicking forward pages until he found Christian Grey's lengthy contract.

"What about if we did…that." He gave up sounding out the long words and jabbed at it with his finger. He had no idea what it was, but it was in a list that had the word 'masturbation' and then 'anal' further down so it seemed on the right track.

Brendan tensed, a howl of laughter trapped inside. "Not a fan." He grinned. "And unless there's something I don't know about you, anatomically impossible." He looked at Ste's frown. "You don't have the right parts,"

"Oh," Ste said. He pointed at the one above. "The one beginning with 'f'?"

Brendan nodded, pressing his lips into Ste's short hair. "It's good. You like it,"

Ste seemed pleased with himself that he liked something with such a posh sounding name. "Do I?" He grinned a bit more. "Is it kinky? Cos they're right goers in 'ere."

Brendan put his hand over Ste's mouth and threw the paperback into the furthest corner of the bedroom.

"Tomorrow I'll get you a gag," he said, teasing.

Ste's eyes sparkled.

"To shut you up about that fucking book." He swooped down to kiss Ste, nudging him onto his back and climbing on top.

My inner goddess is getting the one beginning with f, Ste thought, grinning.


End file.
